It’s Where You Belong
by neuroameliax
Summary: Peter didn't know what to do with his life. He had come back and most of the time wished he hadn't, because nothing else was the same. He was the only Parker, though May was quite alive. He was the only hero having an afterlife existential crisis, everyone else did well. He was the only one trapped where he had come from, because now he didn't feel he belonged anywhere.


Four months. Peter was counting, of course, how long he had been back and how long he was not the same Peter who disappeared on Titan five years ago. Four months he'd been back on the battlefield and three and a half months since the new reality began to drown him to the point of making him want to disappear again.

He felt he had lost everything, although Ned insisted that he had made more achievement than anyone else who lived through this mess and could tell the story. Ned didn't understand, and Peter was grateful that his best friend didn't have to face so many changes as to question his place in the world. His whole family had disappeared and the big change was having to start from scratch with a new home and new job for his parents.

Michelle on the other hand would even finish his sentences with him, saying the same words in the same tone of voice that made frustration clear. Her father had not disappeared, but she and her mother had. It didn't take long for her father to raise another family and remarry, she didn't judge him because technically he was alone in the world and even though she had come back to meet him with a new wife and son, she didn't blame him for finding someone. But she blamed herself for not being able to accept that the family was no longer the same and honestly, nor was her father the same man from five years ago.

May had started a relationship with Happy a year and a half after the first snap, had married him eight months before the second. She explained everything while he was still under observation in the Avengers Tower medical area. How Tony and Pepper had not left her alone, how she had been included in their family, and now she was Morgan's aunt too - and Nebula, the blue thing he vaguely remembered fighting together on Titan; and Harley whom Tony had welcomed when he discovered that he was the only one left in his own family.

They no longer lived in Queens but in an apartment in Manhattan, the place was not large but had three bedrooms and three bathrooms - compared to their first apartment, this was a big boon. His room was one of the guest rooms, with light gray walls, a double bed, a small closet, and a desk. His things, May laughed humorously when she explained, had been broken down little by little because that was their way - she, Pepper, Tony, and even Happy - to deal with grief. But she offered a credit card so he could buy anything he wanted, from clothes to decorations. He didn't buy it and she realized almost a month later that he was wearing the clothes she had hastily bought on her way from the apartment to the tower, when Pepper had called and told her that he was back, a little hurt but alive.

Tony and Pepper had married six months after the first snap, they had their own children - although only Morgan was the biological one, but Nebula and Harley had been adopted at some point in the last five years - and it was with the feeling that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time during a family dinner at their apartment in the tower, that Peter realized that although he remembered perfectly every time he called Pepper "mom" and Tony "dad", he was not their real son and that would never change.

The Avengers were apparently once again the serious thing they once were, and it was obvious that Thanos was much bigger than the fight in Germany, so at the first opportunity they had met - after long sessions with the UN, new deals, laws and ensuring support for those who had returned - to celebrate life. Peter from five years ago would find the occasion the best of life by far, being near real heroes has no imminent threat that could kill them or endanger them. Peter who came back from the emptiness that was the stone of the soul just wondered what he was doing there - he didn't feel like a hero, May was there for her family and not for him, in front of so many people who really mattered, he was just a mere detail.

He wondered again the second time they met, this time on one of the tower floors and with fewer people than on the first date, if he really had to be there. He didn't want to be, didn't want to be part of something that seemed so far away even happening in front of him. It was suffocating and he didn't know if it was because the windows were closed or if his hearing allowed him to hear all the small talk if he focused, making him look squeezed. Or the fact that May was intertwined with Natasha and Carol to the point that she didn't notice him leaving the room to be alone. Or Tony and Harley teasing each other with a level of intimacy and comfort that Peter was unaware of.

It didn't take long for Peter to realize that his return had been a waste of time. But it was on a specific night when he had already gone to his room and May had already gone to check that if he was really sleeping, that he heard Happy call her 'May Hogan' and even living with them for a few days, seeing them exchanges kisses and flirts, the different surname made him feel more alone than ever, because it was as if she were no longer his family.

•itswhereyoubelong•

"My mother is in Canada." Michelle speaks quietly, hugging her legs and resting her head on her knees. "She emailed me… she bothered to explain that she wasn't ready to be a mother now and that to take care of me, she needs to take care of her first. I am officially living with my father and his family."

"I'm so sorry about that." Peter speaks quietly, answering honestly. "But if she's not ready, then it's better for you, even if it doesn't look like it. How are you feeling?"

One of the best parts about going to school was hiding in one of the empty labs with Michelle during their free time. They could talk about everything because they felt comfortable enough, but they could also be silent - she reading and he dozing lightly with his head in her lap.

"I don't know, I don't know about her... if I could leave I would do the same. But with my dad it's different, he's letting me stay out of obligation. Maybe one day he will remember loving me again like his first daughter, but now it's just to take a weight off his own back."

It's inevitable that Peter's thoughts will go down the same path. Being aware of May's new life made him anxious because he couldn't think of anything to stop her from sending him away. And if she sent him, he no longer had his family by extension, he couldn't just put up with Tony and Pepper. He was left with the Avengers Tower, where most of the heroes now lived - even though a good number of them were among the trips to solve problems that exploded after the second snap - but he did not feel like a hero, even though he had being out as Spider-Man and seeing that in Queens they missed him.

"How was the weekend with them?"

"It was like I wasn't there." he is sincere. "Pepper and Tony keep acting..." he relaxes his shoulders, as if carrying some weight. "It's like they want to be around, but don't know how to do it. And then one of their children asks for attention and they give up. And the others... didn't even know I was there."

"Are you sleeping better with the _thing_?" she asks and when saying 'thing' she just moves her lips without letting out sound. It was one of the many secrets they had with each other.

He is grateful for her to change the subject and get him out of the weekend for good. Then he nods before putting himself in the same position as her, now much closer and their legs and elbows touch.

"On Saturday I took it to get away from Zane." she confesses. "He's amazing and I couldn't swallow his purity while I was so angry."

He had also confessed that he had taken more than they had agreed and he understands her, without judging her or finding it bad that she can't handle a child. The point was that for him '_the thing_' acted differently, inhibited his hunger, disrupted his mood and made him sweat cold; while everything was normal about her, leaving her relaxed and sleepy, the other most worrying symptom she'd ever had was tachycardia.

"I avoid Morgan a lot and yet it's not enough. She's the only one who acts naturally and relieves tension, but she also reminds me of everything I didn't see happen."

"It's unfair that they are so good and yet so…" she trembles her lips, making engine noise. "It's unfair."

They are silent, both with plenty to think about and comfortable with each other's presence to fill the voids that bothered them. One of the many great confidences they had exchanged when they started with the habit of running away to be alone was that they needed to be touched and didn't even have handshakes coming from anywhere. It was maddening to need something so simple to relieve such bad feelings, but MJ was good at stroking his hair; and he was good at holding her hands, as if she would disappear if he let go.

•itswhereyoubelong•

Since classes had started, a routine had been set up. May or Happy would take Peter to school and the way back was all his, giving him plenty of time to go out as Spider-Man before dinner. On Thursdays there was a casual dinner in the tower, only the Starks - except for Harley who only showed up once a month because of college - and the Hogans. And now the only Parker.

Peter didn't hate family dinners. He had come to this conclusion the fifth time they met that it was not being with everyone but the situation. He didn't feel good eating, not with them, because he felt too anxious and afraid - what if he said something wrong? What if someone noticed something wrong with him? - hoping something would happen and ruin all the good that family had.

So he took 'the thing' minutes before entering the tower. On Thursdays specifically, he would go to May and Happy's apartment to change his clothes, and the three would leave as if they were a real close family. Even if the couple always walked ahead when they reached the garage of the building and Peter watched them about six steps behind.


End file.
